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  The day was sunny and crisp and leaves in a glorious array of colors lay on lawns and sidewalks. Paul urged Tyson to keep hold of his hand, but sometimes a sheer burst of joy and abandonment would overtake Tyson and he would let go of his uncle’s hand and dance ahead a few steps. Once he caught the toe of his shoe on a curb and he almost stumbled, causing Paul to hold his breath, but he managed to right himself and turned back with a proud grin.

  He’s not afraid of falling because he knows he’ll survive it.

  As soon as they entered the church, Tyson skipped off to find his friends. Paul knew his nephew was comfortable and safe in the church, and he no longer felt compelled to worry about him when he was out of sight. He had to admit that it was a relief to let go of the chronic feeling of responsibility. Not in the way that dismissed his love for Tyson, but in the way that he was finally learning to accept that others could also play a part in making sure his nephew had a happy and secure life.

  The foyer of the church was crowded, as always, with visiting before the service. Instead of avoiding it, Paul found he now enjoyed sharing a few words with various people. Always, though, he kept his eye out for Charlotte, because she was never far from his thoughts.

  “I checked my car oil,” a voice said shyly at his shoulder, and he turned to see one of the members of his fix-it class, her deep brown eyes shining with quiet pride. “Just like you said to do, I checked.”

  “That’s great!” Paul said, giving the woman a high five, which made her giggle. “I knew you could do it.”

  Across the room, he caught a glimpse of Olivia Meissner watching. She didn’t smile, but she gave him a brief nod, which he returned.

  Then he spotted Charlotte. Today, her hair curled softly around her shoulders, against the robin egg’s blue of her sweater. She was saying something to her mother and hadn’t seen him yet. Before he could catch her eye, she turned in the other direction to head downstairs and check on the Sunday school rooms as she sometimes liked to do.

  Disappointment briefly assailed him before he reminded himself that he would get a chance to talk to her later. It occurred to him that it would be the polite thing to do to go greet her parents. He wasn’t particularly comfortable around them and wondered where Charlotte managed to get her warmth and compassion, as he found George and Lenore Connelly rather cool and distant. But they were Charlotte’s parents, and now that he knew about the tragic loss they’d endured, he could imagine that a depth of feeling dwelled beneath their aloof exteriors. Charlotte had said that they didn’t like to talk about it, but surely it wouldn’t hurt to offer his condolences. Surely they would know that he, of all people, could empathize with their pain.

  “Good morning, Lenore, George,” Paul greeted them as he approached.

  “Oh.” Lenore hesitated slightly before answering. “Hello, Paul. How are you this morning?”

  “I’m really good, thanks.” He hesitated, relying on God to help him find the words. “I wondered if you had just a moment before we go in?”

  Lenore’s eyes flickered with puzzlement and perhaps a glimmer of unease. George came to stand beside his wife and put his hand on her shoulder in what seemed like a cautioning rather than an affectionate gesture.

  “I haven’t had a chance to tell you how very sorry I was to hear about your daughter Anna,” he said.

  Lenore’s eyes widened in a clearly appalled manner while George’s hand clenched her shoulder in a way that made Paul wince, although she didn’t even seem aware of it.

  When she found her voice, it was like it had been torn to shreds. “Charlotte told you about Anna?”

  He realized that he had made a colossal error in judgment, but he had no choice now but to carry on. “Yes...she did. You know I lost my sister and brother-in-law? I don’t mean to upset you. I just wanted you to know that I understand.”

  “I appreciate your thoughts, Paul,” Lenore said in a voice that was all the more terrible for its flatness. “But it’s not something we wish to discuss with you. I’m sorry for your own loss, I truly am.”

  Then she regained herself and said to her husband, “Shall we go in?”

  “I know you meant well,” George said quietly to Paul as his wife went in ahead of him. “But you’ve upset my wife, and I thank you not to ever do that again. Do you understand?”

  Paul nodded. He understood. And he was beginning to understand how hard it must be on Charlotte to not be allowed to grieve. He longed to console her and help her as much as he was capable of, although he knew that it was ultimately a journey that one did alone.

  * * *

  Stephanie, who was teaching Sunday school that week, had accidentally mixed up the schedule for the week’s lesson and didn’t have the proper materials prepared, so Charlotte stayed to assist her in setting things up and was slightly late getting back upstairs. She slid in beside her mother during the opening song and received a fretful sideways glance in greeting.

  Paul had developed the habit of sitting behind them, and she sought an opportunity to try to see if he was there without making it obvious that she was looking. She resigned herself that she might have to wait until later in the service when the peace was shared. But as the song ended and the waiting silence settled over the congregation, she had a peculiar sense of emptiness that told her that Paul wasn’t there. She also noticed that her parents seemed distracted and troubled about something, which ruined the restful feeling she usually had at church.

  She couldn’t stop her mind from wandering and she couldn’t even bring herself to concentrate enough to take sermon notes, as she usually liked to do. Usually, the Sunday morning service sped by, but the time seem to drag. When they shared the peace, she confirmed for herself that Paul wasn’t behind them. As she shook hands and forced a smile, she spotted him across the aisle, sitting with Sean and Rena.

  He was certainly welcome to sit where he wanted, but it bothered her that he had moved to a different pew on the same day that her parents were clearly troubled about something.

  She didn’t have to wait long to find out what troubled her mother and father. As soon as the closing song ended, Lenore took her elbow and murmured in her ear, “We need to talk to you.” She kept her hand on Charlotte’s elbow, and Charlotte felt herself being steered efficiently toward the coatrack.

  Curious about what was on their minds, Charlotte followed her parents out. When they had put some distance between themselves and the church, her mother turned to her and said, “So, you decided to share our family tragedy with Paul? With someone we hardly know?”

  “I do know Paul!” flew out of Charlotte’s mouth. She didn’t bother to deny that she had told him about Anna. Obviously he had said something to them about it. Well, she hadn’t specifically told him not to, but then something fierce and defiant welled up in her.

  Why can’t we talk about it ourselves, God? I believe that keeping this bottled up is hurting all of us, and it’s not honoring Anna’s memory. I’m asking You to help us break free of this.

  Out loud, she said as calmly as she could manage. “I think it’s okay to talk about Anna. I think we have to talk about her...and about what happened.”

  “We just think that it doesn’t do any good to dwell on it, Charlotte,” her father said. “I would think you would feel the same way. Your mother and I have never wanted you to hold on to the memory of that tragic day.”

  “I would think,” she said very quietly, with her heart in pieces, “that I of all people would need to talk about it so I can forgive myself.”

  And then in one dreadful instant Charlotte knew that nothing here was ever going to change. Perhaps it was the heady experience of Paul’s kiss that had caused her to believe that it was possible to stay in Green Valley and have everything she ever dreamed of.

  But she knew now that wasn’t true and she believed now that it never would be true. There was no other answer: if she
was ever going to find healing for herself, it would have to be away from home... Even if that meant leaving Paul Belvedere behind.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Another Wednesday night at the church was wrapping up and Paul, along with Joe, Seth and Harold, was busy stacking chairs and moving tables back into place.

  Charlotte’s teaching methods, along with learning the basics, were working wonders and it was truly amazing to pick up a tool and see the name for it take shape in his mind. He felt like he had a new lease on life, so he not only enjoyed teaching his class but now also felt like he had the self-confidence to enjoy the fellowship that came before and after.

  He no longer felt like his secret burdened him the way it always had.

  But he also knew that everything he felt was enhanced by the way he felt about Charlotte. She was like a beacon, shining light on his days, encouraging him to continue to build his trust in God, and in his own innate abilities to learn and improve. Tyson adored her, which was an added bonus.

  She had helped with the group alongside him, as she always did, although she was more quiet than usual and seemed sad in a way that he couldn’t pinpoint. But he didn’t worry the way he might have in the past. He would talk to her and find out what was on her mind.

  Besides, the fact that God was always with him and he was never really abandoned had struck him with a new and profound conviction. Charlotte was part of that, too. It often happened that as they worked around her house, with her literally spelling out things, she would talk about her faith, not in an overly preachy way, but like she and God were friends and she couldn’t imagine her life without Him.

  He found himself wanting that same intimacy with the Lord.

  “See you tomorrow, Paul.” Harold gave a wave as he headed out the door.

  “Sure thing.”

  “There you are!” Rena came into the room. “Come on, Seth. We’ve got two episodes of that mystery show you like to catch up on.”

  “Sorry, gentlemen, duty calls.” Seth said. “It’s a rough job, but somebody has to do it.” Rena rolled her eyes but held out her hand for him to take.

  “Is Charlotte still around?” Paul asked. She had left their classroom as soon as they were finished, and he’d gotten caught up answering a couple of extra questions and lost track of her.

  Rena turned her twinkling gaze on him. “Yes, she should be. I saw her just a few minutes ago with Steph, putting books away.”

  Paul nodded, trying to suppress his urge to rush off and find her. He wished Seth and Rena a good night and turned back to Joe to see if there was anything else that needed to be done.

  “I think we’re good here, thanks,” Joe said. “Catch you around.”

  Paul located Tyson first, playing with Max while her parents chatted with Eugenie in the doorway. “I just have to go talk to someone for a few minutes,” Paul told Eugenie. “I won’t be long.”

  “No worries,” Eugenie said.

  “Take your time, Uncle Paul!” Tyson called after him.

  By the time he got to the literacy room, it was empty, and he spotted Stephanie with her coat on, heading out the door. He was momentarily resigned to not seeing Charlotte that night, but then he spotted her by the coatrack with Bridget. Their heads were bowed close together, and they appeared to be involved in an intense conversation.

  Bridget must have sensed that he was there, because she looked over suddenly and gave him a quick smile and wave before turning back to Charlotte to say something else. Soon after, she put on her coat and departed, leaving Charlotte standing alone.

  “How are you doing?” Paul asked as he approached her. When he got close enough, he noticed that her beautiful violet eyes looked troubled. “What’s wrong, Charlotte?”

  She looked down and toyed with a button at the neckline of the cream-colored, rose-sprigged blouse that she wore.

  “Char, is everything okay?” Paul felt the old tide of apprehension rise up within him, the pool of old emotions and hurt that he’d thought was finally drying up. Now he feared that it was just waiting to seep through the chronic cracks of life.

  She looked him full in the eye then, her expression sad and thoughtful.

  “I...have something that I need to tell you.”

  “Oh?” He heard his own voice go cold and distancing, trying to push away her power to hurt him.

  “I don’t know how to say it because, honestly, Paul, you mean so much to me—you and Tyson—I’m so grateful for what we’ve shared. I hope you know that...”

  “Just. Say. It.” His voice sliced through her preamble like a sword.

  Her head reeled slightly back as if she felt the sting of its tip. Then she steadied herself and said, in her teacher voice, “I’m going away. I’ve decided that I am going to take the overseas missionary opportunity.”

  “When the school year is over?” Paul asked, plucking that question out of the plethora of them that raced through his mind.

  Again, Charlotte hesitated. When she answered, her voice wavered between defiance and regret. “No. I’m going after Christmas. They’re finding someone to take over my class.”

  Hurt and anger ripped through Paul like a bullet. He didn’t know if he was more upset with Charlotte, with God, or with himself for actually being foolish enough to believe that things would ever really change.

  “What about Tyson?” The question barely scratched the surface of the ones that he was yearning to ask—What about me? What about us?—but it was all he could manage. “I thought you promised that he’d be able to finish out the school year with the same teacher. What about that?”

  Charlotte looked at her feet and whispered, “I’m sorry. I thought I could stay, but I can’t.”

  Silence pulsed between them, heavy with things that needed to be said—things that felt like they could never be said.

  “Charlotte...” Paul put one finger under her chin and gently coaxed her gaze upward to his face. “I’m asking you not to go. Please, don’t go.”

  Long seconds passed and it was like watching a drama of fear, sadness and indecision play through her eyes. But then the reel snapped before the ending.

  Charlotte took a step back from him.

  “I have to go,” she said. “I can’t live my life under other people’s expectations anymore. I can’t live wondering ‘what if.’ I’m going.”

  He took a step back, too. “I guess that’s it, then.”

  “Paul, I still want to help you with your reading. Until I go... We have plenty of time.”

  “No,” he said. “We don’t have enough time at all.”

  Without another word, he turned and walked away.

  * * *

  On Friday at lunchtime, Charlotte sat in the staff room with a mug of chamomile tea clutched in her hands, but she had no interest in it, or in the ham and cheese on rye that lay untouched on the table.

  She had just finished unburdening herself to Rena. Since confiding in Paul about Anna, she’d found that there was freedom in confession. Something that God, through His word, definitely encouraged. She told Rena about Anna, about her parents’ expectations and about her growing relationship with Paul—one that was now halted by her decision to go away.

  Rena sat across from her, her brown eyes sympathetic over her own mug as she took a sip of coffee. “I think you have to follow your heart,” she said. “If Paul’s truly a friend, he’ll get over it and support you.”

  “He is a good friend,” Charlotte said, feeling an instant need to defend him. There was so much more she knew about Paul now, and she understood why he felt abandoned, which made her decision excruciating. But those things were his own burdens to share if he chose, and she would not betray his trust.

  “Do your parents know you’re going?” Rena asked.

  Charlotte shook her head. “I’m going to tell them at dinner tonight. Bridget
and her parents will be there, too. I might as well get over telling them all at once. Bridget doesn’t want me to go, either. She thinks I’m letting my family down. And, of course, everyone is worried about my mom’s health. I am, too, but...”

  Rena traced her fingertip around the tabletop, making circles. “But you still have to go, don’t you?”

  Charlotte didn’t answer right away. Finally she said, “I’m tired of letting myself down. I always say that I want to make a difference, but what have I done to show that I mean it?”

  “You make a difference here.”

  Charlotte shrugged. “I guess so. But it still feels like if I stay here, something will always get in the way of me living the life I want to live.”

  “But what if that life is here?” Rena asked. “I’m not trying to talk you out of going. I fully support you, you know that. I’m just trying to help you consider all of the angles. What if everything you want really is right here?”

  And everyone? Charlotte asked silently. She thought about the moment of elation she’d had when she believed it was possible to have it all...and how quickly and devastatingly that belief had been punctured.

  “I appreciate what you’re saying, Rena, but I can’t see that happening.”

  After lunch, she returned to her classroom and by sheer willpower guided her students through their art project. She noted that Tyson and Michael had their heads bent together, whispering, and she noted that God still could fix some things, but it seemed that He would pick and choose.

  She kept trying to bolster herself, telling herself that she was finally following her dreams, going in the direction that she was called in. But she couldn’t help wondering that if she was truly called, why was the voice so distant and faint? Why did it keep fading away under her wish to stay? But if she stayed, nothing would change. The conflict chased itself around in her mind like a rabid hound chasing a rabbit, and it would not resolve itself.